Boost Your Self-Esteem

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself. Let's look at where such a positive self-image comes from.

In her classic book Celebrate Yourself, Dorothy Corkville Briggs makes a distinction between the real you and your self-image. She says that the real you is unique and unchanging. Most of your self-image-what you think is true about yourself-is learned. It is not necessarily accurate at all!

Where are your beliefs about yourself drawn from? Where did you learn them? If you think about it, you'll see that they came from:

• What others said about you
• What others told you
• What others did to you

Your self-image is the result of all the messages you heard about yourself as a child. These messages added up to a set of beliefs about who you are. It may have nothing to do with who you really are.

For example, you may believe things like:

• I'm not very smart.
• I'm naturally passive.
• Girls aren't any good at math.
• I'm too old to start over.
• All of the women in the Breski family become doctors.
• I'm painfully shy.
• The Hurleys never lie.

In addition to learning to believe certain things during our early years, there are certain situations that make most people feel inferior or lacking in self-esteem.

Some examples are:

• Being criticized
• Not being loved
• Being rejected
• Experiencing failure

What Low Self-Esteem Feels Like

In situations like these above, it is not uncommon to feel emotions such as:

• Sadness
• Inferiority
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Rejection

Cognitive Therapy

Cognitive therapy is one of the most successful methods for helping people feel better about themselves. Cognitive therapists help depressed and anxious people feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making them feel bad. They believe that faulty thoughts cause us to feel bad, which makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Cognitive therapists call these faulty ways of thinking "twisted thinking." Cognitive therapy is a process where the client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing. These therapists help their clients feel better in four steps: First, identify the upsetting events that cause bad feelings; second, record your thoughts about the event; third, identify the distortions in your thinking process; and fourth, substitute rational responses. When the client successfully completes these four steps, the client usually feels better about him- or herself.

Thinking the right kinds of thoughts is one way to feel good about yourself. Now let's talk about a second way to increase your self-esteem: by taking a look at your life environment and seeing whether it supports you feeling good about yourself. You may find that some nourishing elements need to be replenished. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do you have people in your life who:

1. Treat you with love and respect?

2. Encourage you to do and be anything you want?

3. Help you find out what you want to do, and how to do it?

4. Encourage you to explore all of your talents and interests?

5. Are thrilled when you succeed?

6. Listen to you when you need to complain?

7. Help you bounce back from failure without making you feel bad?

Take a moment to think about each of the items on this list. Note where your environment is providing adequately for you, and where it is lacking. This can give you clues to how to build your own self-esteem.

Strategies for Esteem Building

1. Pay attention to how you are feeling from moment to moment. Tune in to what your five senses are experiencing. Take it down to the most basic level of "I feel warm right now," "I feel light-headed," "I feel a tightness in my stomach."

2. Revisit your interests and goals. Make a list of things you'd like to do and learn. Today, take one step toward learning more.

3. Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who appreciate you.

4. Spend some time with yourself at the end of each day. Review what happened and how you were feeling. Write about it in a private journal.

5. If you are feeling bad about yourself, consider finding a therapist to help you get your life on a positive track.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. Garrett also offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

5 Steps to Derail Difficult People - Your Surefire Way to a Peaceful Resolution
That one guy at work that always has to be right; your buddy's wife who can't eat anywhere they serve burgers, or the monster-in-law, I mean mother-in-law, with too many opinions for your own good, difficult people, we all know them. So the question is, is there a right and a wrong way to deal with them? The answer is yes, if you want to avoid unnecessary confrontations.
Why a Coach is NOT a Consultant
Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I get asked what the difference is between a coach and a consultant. Many people believe they are either the same thing or very similar.
Becoming An Information Filter And A Knowledge Sponge
As the title states, "Become an Information Filter and a Knowledge Sponge." On your daily journey to achieve your WHY, you will travel through many different avenues and sometimes you will ask yourself, "Why do I need to meet this person or experience this situation?" The key is to truly understand that you must become an information filter and use your personal God-given filters -- your eyes and your ears.
Increase Your Intelligence With Music
You Are What You Listen ToCan music really help you think better? Yes, according to the research that has been done so far.Listening to, and participating in music creates new neural pathways in your brain that stimulate creativity.
The Joy of Learning!
"Part of what motivates me to write this book is a concern that we've lost touch in education with the sheer joy of what it means to learn something new." -Thomas Armstrong, Author, Awakening Genius in the ClassroomI think I was around 6 years old, when my mum decided to put me into Piano class.
12 Reasons to Develop Exceptional People Skills
Why should you bother to spend your valuable time learning how to develop exceptional people skills?Here's why..
Sometimes, It Just Takes ONE Conversation to Change Your Life!
I was thinking this morning about the importance of the profession that I am in. Besides doing various trainings, workshops and consulting, I also coach people.
Integrating Life and Work
Organizations are finally creating cultures that support a work and life balance for their employees. After years of demanding high productivity and increasing on the job hours and expectations and not achieving the hoped-for better results, companies are finally embracing polices and procedures that support employees in integrating their life and work experience.
Whats Next Syndrome
Terms like Postpartum, Post Traumatic and Post Gulf War are all well-known Syndromes - mysteries no longer to the medical community or even those of us who count ourselves among the great unwashed. We hear and read everyday about the negative outcomes from life-threatening trauma.
Some Business Coaches are in Error
Many business coaches deny the power of suggestion while using it. For instance a corporate inner circle will be told that they have inner conflicts with ethical practice due to the stockholders coming first, the customers coming second and employees coming third.
Happiness and Work: Your Life Depends On It.
Early one morning, Robert awoke, made his wife of 41 years some banana bread, took out the garbage and called to cancel a doctors appointment scheduled for the next day. He wrote a note to remind his wife to pick up the dry cleaning.
Do You Ever Give Up Coaching Employees?
In principle, we don't want to give up coaching employees. We want to believe that we can eventually make a difference.
Keeping Your Anger Under Control
In my work with individuals and couples, I see many people who have a difficult time expressing and managing angry feelings. Let's take a look at what causes people to become angry and how they can respond to stressful situations more productively.
An Example of Allowing a Desire to Arrive on Its Own
I don't know why, but it seems we trip over the "allowing" part of the Deliberate Attraction formula more often than the other two parts. The Deliberate Attraction formula gives us a simple description of how to leverage the Law of Attraction so we can attract more of what we DO want and enjoy.
Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive.
Diverse Marketing Strategies for Those Living with Disabilities
Imagine yourself as the only means of financially supporting you. A little scary isn't it? In today's economy, it is difficult living on a single income.
A World of Possibility
When I started my sales career over 25 years ago, I worked for a small company selling telephone answering equipment. Hard to believe it but in those days I had to explain to prospects what the equipment was for and why they might want to use it.
Nothing is left to Chance
You are going to meet a very important client for lunch. What do you do? If you are anything like Anna the first job is to ensure the outside you is perfect, well dressed, matching clothes, clean shoes, washed in your favourite soaps, perfume.
Receiving Thanks and Praise - The View from the Other Side
We demand more from those who provide to us and because we are frequently in roles which deliver goods and services ourselves, we are on the receiving end too - of complaints, frustrations and generally poor behaviour.Why is it that when we are on the receiving end, we miss the fact that we ourselves, when we hang up our service-provider-hat at the end of our shift, often end up as 'customers behaving badly' too?Why do we take our own frustrations out on others, the way it has been taken out on us? Why do we sometimes become the Hyde from our normal Jekyll?So, when someone goes the 'extra mile' to say 'Thank you', or appreciate the actions you have taken? What do you take from that and how do you react? You feel good, I guess.
Top Ten Tips for Living Authentically
1. Know your purposeAre you wandering through life with little direction - hoping that you'll find happiness, health and prosperity? Identify your life purpose or mission statement and you will have your own unique compass that will lead you to your truth north every time.